For the entire human existence, innovations have play a major role in helping us progress and create a world designed to cater to our every whim, take us to places we’ve never been and try things that were otherwise not possible. Yes, humans are a special bunch of neurons that, when firing, can produce groundbreaking stuff. I mean—I really like the fact that someone invented a light bulb and a hot water system so I can take a nice hot shower after a good surf.
And then there are some inventions where I just ask ‘why’ over and over again.
Maybe you can help answer my question. DM me to explain.
1. Soap Shoes
Okay, I get grinding rails with a skate, yes. But, are you planning on shooting a Jamiroquai music video? Add a giant fuzzy top hat and a sterile-looking room for some “virtual insanity” and–to the ‘90’s with you! And I love the ‘90’s, but this might take it a step too far. Pun is TOTALLY intended.
2. Roller Suit
We DO see you rollin’…and yah, maybe we hate it? You will be riding dirty in these suits, assuming dirty for you means looking like the Power Rangers (another 90’s reference FTW!). Can I be
the yellow ranger?? These suits weigh nearly 38 pounds and cost just shy of $4,000. Unless you like reverse-bobsledding or are shooting an action-packed film, I don’t understand the purpose other than maybe trying to turn yourself into a human hamburger because where do you go with these?? I sure hope there are special tracks you take these things to…b/c I don’t see this happening in Cali, especially during rush hour.
3. Electric Wetsuit
OK. I couldn’t find a picture for this one…that’s because those guys at Rip Curl made it a point to erase electric wetties from Google history. But! We haven’t forgotten. I will never forget seeing those one-page ads in Surfer Mag (R.I.P.!) about electric wetsuits and my first thought was: “hey cool! But isn’t that pretty dangerous??” C’mon guys—electricity & water DO NOT mix, unless you’ve had it with this cold, cruel world. I mean, to die surfing, according to Johnny Utah & Bodhi, is the way to go for surfers, right? Sure, maybe when I’m 80-something gently cruising a nice log in 78 degree water…Just not quite sure I’d like to fry my insides…unless I was inside of a barrel? I’m saving the electricity for my post-surf smoothies & the dance floor. (See: Duran Duran)
4. Surf Skis
Just. Go. To. The. Mountains. Sorry, Chuck Patterson, no offense.
5. Shark-Proof Wettie & Board Sticker
I get dizzy looking at this picture. There was never any scientific evidence that proves this actually works. I mean, are you willing to wrap yourself and your board up in that zebra-looking garb and paddle out to the Red Triangle? Because those are the sharks I’m always most nervous about. If these wetties are proven to propel the reef sharks, cool! They don’t do much to humans, anyway. But unless they are deterring those top sharky predators (see: Great White, Tiger, Bull), I’m not trying to look like a land snack for a Lion.
6. Turbo Tunnel Fin
For you, maybe it helps with…drag? Noserides? Sure. I don’t understand how this could provide better rides. For me, it’s the fashion victim of the surf world. Turbo Tunnel Fins are not hot. They’re not hot right now.
I’m not sure how I missed this one–credit goes to Dave Campbell for the recommend on Insta! The inline skate uses trucks similar to what you find on the bottom of a shopping cart (caster) and combines it with wheels similar to rollerblades. After the first or second go-round, you’re over it. Trust me.
Hey, there’s rides of all kinds out there! But I had to poke fun at some of these here. Maybe you actually do enjoy these contraptions and good on ya! Far be it from me to tell you how to get your stoke. I just might not be letting you make the wave calls. :D