Posts

7 Action Sports Inventions That Make me Ask ‘Why’

For the entire human existence, innovations have play a major role in helping us progress and create a world designed to cater to our every whim, take us to places we’ve never been and try things that were otherwise not possible. Yes, humans are a special bunch of neurons that, when firing, can produce groundbreaking stuff. I mean—I really like the fact that someone invented a light bulb and a hot water system so I can take a nice hot shower after a good surf.

soap shoes black

Virtual Insanity was what we thought we were living in, until these slid into reality.

And then there are some inventions where I just ask ‘why’ over and over again.

Maybe you can help answer my question. DM me to explain.

1. Soap Shoes
Okay, I get grinding rails with a skate, yes. But, are you planning on shooting a Jamiroquai music video? Add a giant fuzzy top hat and a sterile-looking room for some “virtual insanity” and–to the ‘90’s with you! And I love the ‘90’s, but this might take it a step too far. Pun is TOTALLY intended.

2. Roller Suit
We DO see you rollin’…and yah, maybe we hate it? You will be riding dirty in these suits, assuming dirty for you means looking like the Power Rangers (another 90’s reference FTW!). Can I be

roller suit grey purple

… so, are you Dragonzord or Pterodactyl?

the yellow ranger?? These suits weigh nearly 38 pounds and cost just shy of $4,000. Unless you like reverse-bobsledding or are shooting an action-packed film, I don’t understand the purpose other than maybe trying to turn yourself into a human hamburger because where do you go with these?? I sure hope there are special tracks you take these things to…b/c I don’t see this happening in Cali, especially during rush hour.

 

3. Electric Wetsuit
OK. I couldn’t find a picture for this one…that’s because those guys at Rip Curl made it a point to erase electric wetties from Google history. But! We haven’t forgotten. I will never forget seeing those one-page ads in Surfer Mag (R.I.P.!) about electric wetsuits and my first thought was: “hey cool! But isn’t that pretty dangerous??” C’mon guys—electricity & water DO NOT mix, unless you’ve had it with this cold, cruel world. I mean, to die surfing, according to Johnny Utah & Bodhi, is the way to go for surfers, right? Sure, maybe when I’m 80-something gently cruising a nice log in 78 degree water…Just not quite sure I’d like to fry my insides…unless I was inside of a barrel? I’m saving the electricity for my post-surf smoothies & the dance floor. (See: Duran Duran)

shark proof wetsuit surfboard

… just don’t put me near a lion, k?

4. Surf Skis
Just. Go. To. The. Mountains. Sorry, Chuck Patterson, no offense.

5. Shark-Proof Wettie & Board Sticker
I get dizzy looking at this picture. There was never any scientific evidence that proves this actually works. I mean, are you willing to wrap yourself and your board up in that zebra-looking garb and paddle out to the Red Triangle? Because those are the sharks I’m always most nervous about. If these wetties are proven to propel the reef sharks, cool! They don’t do much to humans, anyway. But unless they are deterring those top sharky predators (see: Great White, Tiger, Bull), I’m not trying to look like a land snack for a Lion.

yellow turbo tunnel fin surfboard

Kook spotted, kook assessed, proceeding to drop in on kook.

6. Turbo Tunnel Fin
For you, maybe it helps with…drag? Noserides? Sure. I don’t understand how this could provide better rides. For me, it’s the fashion victim of the surf world.  zoolander trailerTurbo Tunnel Fins are not hot. They’re not hot right now.

 

 

 

 

7. Casterboards
I’m not sure how I missed this one–credit goes to Dave Campbell  for the recommend on Insta! The inline skate uses trucks similar to what you find on the bottom of a shopping cart (caster) and combines it with wheels similar to rollerblades.  After the first or second go-round, you’re over it. Trust me.

Hey, there’s rides of all kinds out there! But I had to poke fun at some of these here. Maybe you actually do enjoy these contraptions and good on ya! Far be it from me to tell you how to get your stoke. I just might not be letting you make the wave calls. :D

A Few Things to Expect When Surfing Hawaii’s Big Island

I’ve noticed the very utterance of the name “Hawaii” often sends surfers into either one of two reactions: pure froth or pure frustration.

Like that one who got away or that one you’ll never forget, Hawaii has a tendency to have these effects on surfers alike, although I’m no well Hawaiian-ized surfer gal. Yes, I have surfed Oahu’s Waikiki a few times, but never the famed and over-photographed North Shore. And more recently, I can now add the Big Island to my list of “have surfed there” spots, namely a not-so gentle break called Kahalu’u located in Kailua-Kona.
The Big Island is, so far, my favorite spot out of the three Hawaiian islands I’ve visited—Kauai, not included above because I did not surf there. As a pasty gal from the mainland innocuously asking random locals for a nug of info about surfing in Kailua-Kona, I was met with more discouragement than anything. At first, I wanted to blame it on the fact that they just didn’t want a mainlander to take their waves, but as I learned, the big island locals and I share similar sentiments about sharing waves and wave-hog tourists.
Here are some tips for fellow mainlanders and anyone else who thinks about surfing the Big Island.

1. It is reefy—not rocky, well, yes, razor sharp LAVA rocks make up the majority of the island’s beach landscape. However, once you paddle out, don’t forget to look into the water to double check for reef that is pretty much everywhere. Right up there with lava, reef can be ultra-sharp, so it is in your best interest not to eat it feet or head first on waves (see number “4”).

A Kona reef doing it's thing.

A Kona reef doing it’s thing.

2. Respect the locals
—as one local lady told me with some serious ‘tude to boot: “this ain’t Waikiki…the locals wait all year for their waves.” And, thanks to our LA-folks, out-of-town people have inherited a reputation for wave hoggery. Once again, LAliens, THANKS. This ain’t a competition…wait your turn on the shoulder or hang out in the channel and watch the locals put on a clinic. If you show some respect and not paddle straight to the peak, they will most likely let you catch a few, but don’t paddle out thinking you’re going to take every wave. When I checked Oahu’s surf report and compared it to the Big Island, I noticed Oahu gets far more (and bigger) waves, so these locals are HUNGRY. Let them gorge themselves before you start nibbling at the peak. Oh & avoid the “Billy Badass” attitude—pretty sure that gets you nowhere.
Show the locals some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

3. Sit on the shoulder
—as I mentioned above, avoid the “Billy Badass” attitude. Billy Badass goes nowhere with Hawaiians. These are some of the hardest-charging surfers I’ve ever seen, so just because you’ve surfed double-overhead El Porto doesn’t mean you get to take everything that comes your way. The question is not whether you can surf, it’s whether you can take the time to respect the locals and the wave. During the winter months, Kailua-Kona is a little less exposed than it’s neighbors, like Oahu and Kauai, so the swell is little less consistent and, while it’s still pretty damn impressive, the size was not as significant as the neighboring islands. The locals need their waves and it would behoove you to let them gorge before they have to go to work or home. Nothing worse than a grumpy local, right? Take the back seat and let the locals have their waves first…and don’t be a jerk about it.

Cruisin' the shoulder.

Cruisin’ the shoulder. Photo: Kona Surf Photos

 

4. For the love of all that is holy: starfish

–to state the obvious, if you are surfing over reef, which is a living, breathing organism/ecosystem, be sure to “starfish” when you eat crap. Unless you want French fries for toesies, or want to find out what it feels like to have your skull pierced, make sure to flatten your body or aim that bootie towards the water, if you can help it. I was specifically told by the locals to not eat it feet or head first.

Although they told me that there is a slight buffer between the white wash and the reef (apparently you are more likely to roll over the reef rather than straight down to the bottom), it’s always good to exercise caution and give the seasoned local a good chuckle and flatten out as much as possible. Take a page from that epic T.V. show ‘Sponge Bob’ and absorb your best Patrick impersonation. In the interim, try not to belly-flop.

 

 

5. If you really want to surf, don’t give up

—Mini-story time! Despite the fact that I ran into a lot of

I played nice and the locals played nice back. Reaping the rewards. Photo: Kona Surf Photos

I played nice and the locals played nice back. Reaping the rewards.
Photo: Kona Surf Photos

discouragement from some locals, surfing was going to happen, come hell or double over-head high water. Kahalu’u had piqued my interest after I tried to paddle into the wave during a building swell and a dropping tide. At the wave’s peak during the low tide, the wave turned into a mutant exposing dry reef and the drop-ins looked damn near impossible. So, I sat on the shoulder, told myself I was being polite for the locals while my heart pounded in my chest and waited patiently for a small-ish shoulder to come through in between thumping well-overhead sets.

Over the next couple of days, the swell climbed to double-overhead and all along Ali’I drive in Kona, the reefs were seen straightaway from the road firing on all cylinders while lifeguards posted red flag warnings.

I really wanted to surf one more time, even tho I was scared shitless of the wave. I just wanted to give it another go. I found another place to rent a board right in front of Kahalu’u, but “because the conditions were red flag,” the shop refused to rent me a board because they didn’t want to be held liable. In the meantime, I watched them rent a SUP to a 10-year old—an excellent way to make my blood boil.

Kona Boys rented me this pintail beaut for my last day to surf Kahalu'u. Very stoked surfer girl. Photo: Dave DuPre

Kona Boys rented me this pintail beaut for my last day to surf Kahalu’u. Very stoked surfer girl.
Photo: Dave DuPre

I was so put off …I felt sized up…angry…discouraged…I tried to look beyond their blatant rejection and obvious “see you coming” attitude, but only saw red.

After some encouragement from my boyfriend, I picked up the pieces of my shattered ego and rented a stunning board from Kona Boys Surf Shop—polar opposite experience. In the end, I scored some great waves and the locals, who had come to refer to me as “Trestles,” were hooting me into sets. I left the water with the biggest smile I’ve had in years for surfing. Don’t give up.

 

P.S.
After a surf, I highly recommend trying out Da Poke Shack off Ali’I drive. It will ruin any inkling of “fresh fish” you’ve ever had, even if you live by a coastline…on a boat…or in the sand. I watched them slice and dice the fish, which (sorry vegans!), was a beautiful array of hues ranging from deep blood to bright red. On our first attempt to find the place, we arrived just in time for them to sell out–it was noon.